Life


So, I was at a “meeting” today and we were discussing our likes.  The assertion was we should share common interests – if we did, it would build unity in the relationship.  Tenderness.  Intimacy.

It was my assertion that we should be able to share musical interests, among other things.

At the time I was thinking she should like my music.  After the fact it occurred to me that any expectation that she should like my music should be coupled by an equal and opposite expectation that I like her music.

Then I thought – hey, I hate her music.  Well, I don’t hate it, but I really, really, really don’t enjoy it.  It’s boring.

Wow – the same exact words she used to describe my music.  Same. Exact. Words.

Hmmm.

As I was driving to my next meeting, I thought, how self-centered of me to expect her to like my music but no reciprocal offer to “like” her music.  No desire.  No willingness.  No effort.

Oh my god.  Am I a narcissist?

(n) narcissist, narcist (someone in love with themselves)

I don’t generally consider myself in love with myself.  But wait.

(adj) narcissistic, (characteristic of those having an inflated idea of their own importance)

Hmm, well, maybe.  I am arrogant in that way.  Holy fuck.  Fuck, fuck, fuck…..

Later in the same drive I began to hate myself.  This whole time, this whole thing has been about me.  About me getting my way.

Not about core differences; not about fundamental incompatibilities.  It’s all been about me.

It’s been about her not doing or liking what I want her to do or like.

I’m a real dick.

I’m narcissistic.

Then I thought for a moment.  Why should I have to pretend to like something, or put up with something I don’t like?

That is compromise, but it’s not fair.

It is unfair of me to expect her to change.

It is also not fair that I have “insider” knowledge.  I know there is someone out there that I don’t need to compromise with.

It is not fair that I have found someone more “compatible” with my tastes and likings than her.

But why should I muddle through life hating things and not being truly happy when I know true happiness exists?  Or can potentially exist more easily?  Potentially.  Exist.  More easily.

Why shouldn’t I be with someone who shares common interests?  Someone who I can talk with about everything rather than just somethings.

Someone who tells me I’m not a dick, that I am nice, that I have a good heart.

I like Ultimate.  I like skiing.  I like The Clarks.  I like letting loose everyone once and a while.  She doesn’t.

I like the beach.  I like good food.  She likes those things.

Is that enough?

Right now I feel there is more between us; more things we don’t like together, than things we do like together.

I’m not done with this one.  I need to continue to ponder it.  I need to continue to pull that thread.

But one thing is for sure – if “life is not fair” is the best I can come up with, that is simply not good enough.

I miss the blinking red light. It used to warm my night.  It used to be my solace.

Now it is the bane of my existence.

I pine away waiting for a blinking red light.  Then it blinks.  And it’s something else.  Someone else.

*sigh*

I never thought I’d miss it this much.  I never thought I was really that addicted.

I can stop at any time.  I’m can go cold turkey.

It was all the lie!

I am addicted.

I feel so alone.  I feel so disconnected.  I feel.

Wow – it sucks to feel.  Perhaps the dull numb of the past is better.

Nah.

Come on blinking red light – bring me the good stuff!  Bring me some sugar.

How do I say what I want to say?

I’m 40 and I’ve officially buried both my parents.  Today caps what has become a long and arduous task.

Arduous is a bit of a stretch for me.  It was personally trying, but I didn’t have a lot invested mentally.  I chose to disengage.

This pattern seems to replicate itself.

I’m in love.  And it is never that simple.

It seems I must deny myself immediate happiness to work through another painful and arduous task.

I can not — must not — divest myself from this task.

I have in the past.  I must not in the future.

You see, I have no clarity.

I heard a song this morning and it struck a cord.

Love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Well maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it’s not a cry that you hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen in the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

What in the hell does that have to do with anything?

Love is not a victory march.  It should not be treated as something you win.  It is something you earn.  It is something that requires work, but is not something that is a prize (per se).

I don’t really know what I mean by that, but it’s something that I wanted to express all day.  I’ve been stuck in a meeting — all day.  All day.

A meeting where everyone — everyone — looked to me for the answers.  Not direction.  Not insight.  Answers.  The solution.  It was trying.

I don’t have the answers.  If I did, I wouldn’t be here.

I’d be celebrating the victory march.

I love you.  You need to know that.  I doubt that will ever change.  Whether we can be together or not, I need to tell you something.

You have showed me happiness is possible.  There is true love.  Deep, emotional love.  The type of love that makes you melt.  The type of love that makes you crave more.  It’s an addiction.  An addiction I don’t think I’ve ever experienced.

I love you.  You must know that.  I am sorry for where we are and where we need to go.  I love you dearly.  I love you deeply.

I don’t say that enough. I don’t say because I don’t want people to know.  It’s a forbidden love.  It sucks.  It’s the truth.

Where does that leave us?  Alone.

We are where we started.  Strong.  Intelligent.  Tender.  Thoughtful.  Insightful.  Inspiring.  Alone.  Mean.  Arrogant.  Impatient.

But we are smarter and more learned.  We know more than we did.  But not enough to know where to go or how to get there.

I’m still 40.  I’m still parent-less.  I’m still in love.

I have no answers.  I want to cry.  I want you.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what is next.  What are the next steps.  There are two possible routes.

  1. Commit to working things out
  2. Commit to not working things out

Here’s the problem.  I have not been trying to work things out.  I’ve been lying to myself.  And I’m totally full of shit.

I am hedging.  I am waiting for one of the shoes to drop before making a decision.  Why?  Well, that’s how I roll.  It’s far easier to keep status quo than deal with the drama of either situation (1) or (2).

I think I suck as a human being.  I am causing pain, and hate, and negative energy.  I need to stop that.  But what is the best route?

But stopping will also cause pain, hate, and negative energy.  There is simply no good path forward now.

It is time for a decision.  It is time to get real.  It is time to stop.  It’s time to try.

On my way home this evening, I was listening to my iPhone, and the random song selection from iTunes.  I laughed the whole way home (oh, and I sang at the top of my lungs too!)… I couldn’t make this playlist up if I tried.  I’ve chosen some “appropriate” lyrics from those songs. and I’ll leave it at that….

Bruce Springsteen – Dancing In The Dark

Message keeps getting clearer
radio’s on and I’m moving ’round the place
I check my look in the mirror
I wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face
Man I ain’t getting nowhere
I’m just living in a dump like this
There’s something happening somewhere
baby I just know that there is
You can’t start a fire
you can’t start a fire without a spark
This gun’s for hire
even if we’re just dancing in the dark
You sit around getting older
there’s a joke here somewhere and it’s on me
I’ll shake this world off my shoulders

James – Laid

This bed is on fire
With passionate love
The neighbours complain about the noises above
But she only comes when she’s on top

Kelly Clarkson – Breakaway

I’d just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I’d end up happy
Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
And I’ll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Rob Thomas – Ever The Same

Just let me hold you while you’re falling apart
Just let me hold you and we’ll both fall down
Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
I’ll be there for you and you’ll be there for me

Ashlee Simpson – Pieces of Me

It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It’s as if you know me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
I am moody, messy
I get restless, and it’s senseless
How you never seem to care
When I’m angry, you listen
Make me happy it’s your mission
And you won’t stop til I’m there
Fall… Sometimes I fall so fast
When I hit that bottom
Crash, you’re all I have
How do you know everything I’m about to say?
Am I that obvious?
And if it’s written on my face…
I hope it never goes away… yeah

The Clarks – Sun Don’t Shine

Addiction is gradual
Love is a chemical
God is habitual
Pain is desirable

The last couple weeks have been maddening.  You see, I’m going to a conference.  A friend of mine will be at the conference.  We are close.  Perhaps closer than we should be.

The fact that we will be there together is completely stressing another person out.  Basically, it’s causing daily mental breakdowns, incessant crying, and long talks to reassure.

Oh my fucking god it’s driving me crazy.  Do I really have to make promises?  Do I really have to talk around with “paperwork”?  Do I really have to be second guessed on everything?

I had my cell phone with me last night when I went to bed.  I put it on the dresser, turned the light off, and went to bed.  5 minutes later the door opens and I get asked “why do you go to bed with your phone?  You didn’t do it before.  What are you hiding?”

Oh my fucking god.  Are you kidding me?

I am absolutely tired.  Spent.  Incapable of dealing with it anymore.

I’m trying really hard to be understanding, to provide empathy.  To acknowledge the feelings.  To put them in context.  I really am.  But I have no frame of reference.  I have no understanding of the other side.  It seems I am unable to put myself in the same position to gain perspective from the other side.  I have tried.  I really have.  I just can’t seem to figure it out.

So what are the possible solutions?

1) Separation.  Separate from the friend.  Completely.

2) Separation.  Separate from the person causing the stress. Completely.

I do not believe there are other solutions.  I do not believe there is an in-between.

The problem with #2 is I can never truly separate completely.  We share a common bond that will never go away.  And that is OK.  I believe we can distance ourselves and provide a buffer that will allow the relationship to mature.  To repair.  I believe it is possible.

At this point I do not believe the relationship can be fixed.  This latest round of crazy has exposed me to a side – a personality – that I guess I knew existed, but I have never seen.  I have always thought it was there – I have seen samplings of it, but I have never experienced it.  I don’t like it.  I don’t like it one bit.

It is making me detest.  It is making me extremely unhappy.  It is filling me with the courage to walk away. It is confirming my believe that it is time to separate.  It is telling me that we can not be fixed.  It is telling that it is over.

I do not know that this is true.  But I want to know if it is true.  If someone could just give me a black and white answer – or even an equation with the variables.  Something that computes.  Something that makes sense.

For the love of god – make it stop.  For the love of fucking god just make it STOP.

It’s been a bad week for me.  Emotionally, I’m a t-shirt that’s been thrown into the dryer.

And I think that the dryer buzzer just dinged!  DING!

Now, what the hell does that mean?! ha – I wish I knew. Rationally, I *should* take a deep breath, and wait. I *should* take a deep breath, and be patient. But I’m done!  I’m ready to walk away, and nothing in the last few months has shown me any reason why I should “stay.”

So, it comes down to the rational verses emotional.  For over 30 years, the rational side of my brain has ruled.  But in the last two years, my emotional side of my brain has made a strong appearance. And I like it. And right now, I like the emotional side and what she has to say.

This is a problem though…  for two reasons.

(1) How do I tell the second half that it’s over? How do I “grow the cojones”?

(2) How do I ensure that the third party doesn’t feel pressured?

*sigh*

Too much to think about at the moment….but that “ding!” is still definitely resonating in the air….

Recently my brain has been all over the place… I’d give you the cheesy analogy of the sea-saw, but that would actually imply that I have a two sides conflicting thoughts… and that’s not really accurate. The issue is that I am trying to “solve” is one that I cannot articulate. But why is that hard? I believe it’s because there is one thing that I can easily get out of my head, and that is effecting everything else that tries to come out.

So, what is it that I can articulate? Ironically – these are someone else’s words, but holy crap are they accurate:

The real me is a southern girl with her Levis on and an open heart
Wish I could save the world, like I was super girl
The real me used to laugh all night lying in the grass just talking about love
But lately I’ve been jaded life got so complicated
I start thinking about it
I almost forgot what it was like
To know what it feels like
Cause with you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you’ll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I’m with you

And what can’t articulate? Why do I want to leave what I know to be “safe” and “comfortable”?

I have become jaded. I hate it, and the person that it’s made me over these last few years. This is why I want out. I can come up with several superficial reasons – some I can clearly identify, some I haven’t.  And perhaps I have focused on these reasons because it’s easier to point and blame.   It is hard to accept that maybe it is my fault; I allowed myself to transform into something that I don’t like.  And it’s hard to admit that…

People do change overtime; I get that.  But over the last several years, I’ve changed to accommodate behaviours I don’t like. I’ve compromised my beliefs, my values.

There is an important distinction that I have to make… I haven’t compromised myself.  Which is why now that I have this cognitive recognition, I can’t go back – despite not having any idea what the future will hold for me, for us, for them, for anyone.

Today I was given some terrible news.  News I thought I was prepared for.  News I was not prepared for.

Like a close friend suddenly dying, it came as a shock.  It happened quickly.  Much more quickly that I could of imagined.

My first thoughts were of my friend.  My confident.  My lover.  How is it affecting her?  What is she thinking.

Then I selfishly thought of myself.  How will if affect me.  What if I’m collateral damage?  What if….

The information came quickly and I was not able to process it.  All the dreaming; all the thoughts; all the machinations.  None of it added up.

The day had come.  Not enough planning.  Not enough thought.  Not enough time.  Not enough time.

Twice in one week I have felt like I wanted to throw up.  Today was the second time.  I didn’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to help.

Everything was now real.  Everything.

Every action has a reaction.   Every action has consequence.

Our actions have consequences.  Our actions have led to this consequence.

I came home today and my son greeted me with a big hug.  I was still in shock.  I didn’t know what to do.

All I could think is how I will miss this.  Seeing him grow up.  Seeing him love me.

I felt guilty for hurting him.  I have not hurt him.  But I have.  I know this now.

This may sound ridiculous, but I raise my glass to you.  As a show of solidarity.   A show of force.  A show of commitment.

I am committed to this.  I am scared as hell.  I am committed to you.

I am all in.

2088|300

I’m doing some work on the website this afternoon.  In the process, I needed to upload photos.  The goal is the create another article about the MRR move, but I got distracted.  What, distracted?  Not possible.  I never get distracted 😉

When I was “thumbing” through photos in iPhoto, it always returns you to the first photo in the library when you go past the end.  It’s a constant reminder for me.

You see, the first photo in my library is an image of something I saw the day my son was born.  The story goes like this:

We arrived at the hospital around 7pm.  It was a cold and brisk; a pleasant day.  The pushing started in earnest in wee hours of the morning.  Around 8am, she goes in for a c-section.  Around 5pm I leave the hospital to shower and sleep.  A short nap and I’m back in the car.  When I opened the garage door to return to the hospital, this is what I saw:

Snow

There was no snow on the ground when I went into the house.  There was no hint of snow.  There was fall, not winter.  You can see the fall flag in the picture.

When left the garage the grass was covered with snow and it was coming down hard and fast.  Some would say hard and fast is why I was going to the hospital, but I digress.  By the time I got to the hospital, the roads were covered with snow and I was amidst a blizzard.  By the time I left the hospital again the snow has stopped, the roads were plowed, and I was a new dad.

So, each time I use iPhoto, I am reminded of that day.  It was a good day.

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