Or from Fairfax. Which ever makes more sense.

At Midnight the cap goes on. Moratorium. The great silence.

I’m not ready for it. I don’t want it. But it is necessary.

We will see each other when we do. We will speak when we must, not when we want.

We will have our inner thoughts to ourselves. And that must be our solace.

That is OK. That also sucks.

So, I have a list in my head. A list of things that must get better and must be great to move on.

I’m hoping the list of the ways you do it better won’t cloud my judgment.

I made dinner this evening. The entire time all I could think how I want to make dinner for you. How I want to meet your parents. How “J” can be used for Jack or Julian. Coincidence? I think not.

You are MMM, she is SSS. Do not fear. M comes before S 😉

Many times I write to write. I write with you in mind, but not to you per se.

This one is to you. The last one to you.

I am the CTO. I will be the CTO. I know this because you told me so. I will miss that the most.

The positive reinforcement of all that I do. The point counter-point discussions. The reason. The rational. The rationale.

Overall I will miss you. But I’m hear to say something; remind you of something.

You are strong. You are beautiful. You are sexy. You are hot. You are intelligent. You are smart.

Take a deep breath before sending every email. Think, what if I were to receive that email? What would I do or feel? Then delete that email. Start over.

I will do the same.

I’m sitting here listening to Neil Diamond’s Greatest Hits. Yes, that’s right, I strapped on my vagina tonight.

Why? It’s my Mom’s favorite singer, and I miss her. I wish my Mom and my Dad could be here for encouragement. Lacking that I will fill the void the best I can. With thoughts of you. The many thoughts of you.

We both need to be alone for a while – I really want to believe that. I really want to believe that if we are ever together it’s for the right reasons. Because we can and should, not because we want it.

We must want it. We must always want it. I don’t want to be 20 more years down the road and not want it. If I could bottle everything I felt a year ago and take a nip from it every day I would. I was intoxicating. Was.

So it’s like a sprint versus a marathon. I dashed into the fire and now I need to jog through the heat. I will – I don’t know where I will exit, but I know where I want to right now. I’m going to keep my head up and look straight. I will press on and I pray the planets align.

Align the way I want them to.

You must know all this – my behavior – my capitulating – my spinelessness – is to make sure. I no longer know what “sure” means but I must follow my own path.

Our paths are different, that much we know.

Our timelines are different – that much we know, but do not accept. We need to accept it.

You need to accept it.

I’ll pull to the left if you pull to the right.

I make no promises other than I will tell you the truth always.

And I must say it once and for all. I love you. I do.

I just need to know that is enough.

I miss you. Now and always.

See you on the other side.

Not sure anyone really remembers their first day of school… but parents do.  My parents love to tell the story of me on my first day.  Both in kindergarten and when we moved overseas.  For someone who was outgoing, vivacious, and lacked fear…. I was always hesitant to walk through the front door.

My parents packed me a big lunch (in my awesome red lunch box!), gave me words of encouragement, kissed me on the forehead and pushed me through the door.

And I never looked back.

I won’t be there on Monday for your first day.  I wish I could be.

So you (or maybe me?) will have to settle for this virtual send off –

1) I owe you lunch.  Including a full bottle of wine when the time comes.

2) You were chosen for this job because you can DO this job.  I know that you are going to kick ass and take names. Have the confidence in yourself because I have confidence in you.

3) 😉

4) Now go and be the awesome CTO that I know you can be!

The time has come.  I knew it would… doesn’t mean I have to like it.

“If you love something, set it free.  If it returns to you, it’s meant to be.”

This is what I wanted to say to you in the car, but thought it would be more poetic here.  Now that I wrote it, it looks stupid.  It is stupid.  I don’t want to “set it free.”  I don’t want to hurt.  I don’t want to feel sadness.  I don’t want you to hurt, or suffer, or agonize, or deal with any of the crap I’ve had to.  I don’t wanna!  {pout}  (For the record, I was surrounded by four 2-1/2 year olds this afternoon)

This needs to happen. I need it to happen.  I’m not sure I can explain why – but I suppose because it’s just not healthy… and that is taking its toll on me.  Simply put, I need to stop with the lying.

But I’m up for the challenge.

I’m strong enough.  You’re strong enough.

I said this before, but it’s worth repeating.  I want to be there for you when you need me.  And I will always be there when you do.

Good luck.  I suppose it might be too much to ask to let me know how you are… I’ll wonder, and most likely worry.  The imagination is a scary thing some times!  I guess I will have to settle for just sending you positive vibes. 🙂

Just do me one favor: be honest and speak your voice.  Oh, and think of me.  😉  Okay, so that’s three things… sue me!

I’m up for the challenge.  I hope you are too.

See you on the other side…

I’m sitting here thinking I should have something to say. It’s Sunday. A good meal in my belly. A few glasses of wine. It is time.

The words – they do not come. I expect a lot of memories, or emotion, or something. But nothing. Little or nothing.

Then I wonder – is this a good thing? I do feel a particular emotion, or desire, or urge. But not a strong desire to document what ever fills my head.

I guess I’m tired. Tired of all the emotion, thoughts, planning, re-planning, and more planning.

You see, things never work out as you have planned. Things never go according to plan.

One thing is for sure. Desire. A desire that does not seem to end. I wonder, however, if desire alone is enough.

I worry that desire alone is not enough.

Today I heard an old song I’ve heard many times before. For some odd reason I just sat there and listened to the words. I sat there and though, Yeah. Yep. Yeah.

A year from now you will forget me.
A year from now that won’t upset me.

And I thought, is that where I am? Is that where this is destine to be?

Honestly, I don’t know. I wish I knew. I wish I could say. I wish I could say.

There was a day when everything was so clear. So clear.

Now reality sets in. There is a reality to this. I feel as if I had acted already reality would be different. But I’m a pussy and I sat on the situation and let it fester. I let it right itself. Or try to right it itself. Part of me regrets that. Part of says it’s the right thing to do. And there is the part that says happiness is more important that being right.

Then there is the part that says – happiness should be right. So why don’t they come packaged together? I don’t know.

So, I guess in the end I had words. I probably have more and they will come. But I need to rest now. Rest….

In the meantime, know this, all is well – all is good. Don’t worry about the festering wound that is covered up. All wounds heal.

I find I’m spinning on my back across the floor,
I try to stay still but there’s no stopping,
I feel your gravity wake in my blood,
I reel across the room and blackout, this is love.

One of these days I’ll hollow out my whole heart with my hands,
I will take these broken bones, rebuild myself a man.
Take these fetters, I’ll hammer them together for a soul,
But I’ll be lost with the coming of your first breeze.

I try to run away, a pack across the town.
I hide, desire is a heartless hunter.
I feel the trajectory mapped in my blood,
I wheel around your feet and blackout, this is love.

One of these days I’ll hollow out a pencil with my hands,
I will take a fountain pen and build myself a mast.
Take these letters, I’ll stitch them together for a sail,
But I’ll be back with the coming of your first breeze.

I find I rocket through the crowds above the ground,
I’d lie in wait for you but can’t stop moving.
I yield to the roaring that’s been coursing through my blood,
I kneel, give up my ghost and blackout, this is love.

One of these days I’ll be watching while and apple hits the ground,
I will wait till the earth accepts the seed and takes it down,
Somewhat better I will understand why gravity is law,
And I’ll be lost with the coming of the spring season.

Desire’s only chemistry and Love a form of gravity,
Neurons twitch and flicker like the box that switches traffic lights.
My soul is a black snake a boy lit on the sidewalk,
It curls a twist and spitting sparks tills ash across the ground.

One of these days I’ll hollow out my whole heart with my hands,
I will take these broken bones, rebuild myself a man.
Take these fetters, I’ll hammer them together for a soul,
But I’ll be lost with the coming of the blackout, this is love.

I just finished a good meal – a  perfect-sized filet, balsamic vinegar mushrooms and corn on the grill.

I’m enjoying a good bottle of wine.

Thinking about making dessert (fruit crumble with vanilla ice cream for the record).

Sitting on the couch watching TV.

There’s only one person I’d wish I could share this evening with right now.

I’m just saying…

I woke up this morning, tired and grumpy.  It’s how I’ve felt since Monday, to be honest.  But all week, I’ve had distractions, both professionally and emotionally.  I woke up this morning without either, still tired and grumpy.  By mid-day, I felt paralyzed.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to shout, and kick and did I mention cry?

I felt paralyzed so that I could feel nothing and get through the day. I’ve felt paralyzed for the last few weeks so that I felt nothing. I don’t want to admit how much pain I’m in right now.

Tom Petty had it right, you know… waiting is the hardest part.

I’m tired and grumpy. I suppose that’s good though – that I have emotions that I can feel. But in reality… I’m just scared. I’m scared of losing the many things that I care about. I’m scared that I will happy if I do. I’m scared about how I will react when I no longer have to wait. I’m scared that one decision will influence the decisions of another.  I’m scared about how much longer I will have to wait.

I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of being forgetful.  I’m tired of hoping for a catastrophe or breakdown.  I’m tired of not being straight forward.  I’m tired of just feeling sorry for myself.

You know that feeling when you’ve got a band-aid on, and you know it’s going to hurt when you take it off? So you leave it. But that just makes it worse.  What you need to do is suck it up, take it off, air dry, and let the wound just heal?

I know that the anticipation of taking that band-aid off it worse than just taking the damn thing off.

Unfortunately, I’ve got a few band-aids that I’m wearing right now. I can’t do anything about one of them.  I should do something about another, but I don’t want to.  I have no idea where the other one is hiding to rip it off.

F***.  I’m back to feeling paralyzed.

I think I screwed up this afternoon.  Not 100% sure, but I’ve got that “sick-to-my-stomach” feeling that I did.  It’s either that, or the soapy beer is really taking its toll.

See, I got this message… “refactoring time. talk to you tomorrow.”  Well, let’s be honest, it said “refractory”… but I’m guessing that’s a typo.

Refactoring: (Computer Science) Improving a computer program by reorganising its internal structure without altering its external behavior.

But maybe it’s not a typo?

Refractory: Hard or impossible to manage.

Either way?  um, yeah, I screwed up.

I won’t know for sure for a while.  Doubtful that we’ll “talk tomorrow” – that’s just code for don’t respond back. So, being that I’m of a pessimistic nature… you can see my logic.

I pushed too hard.  I wanted too much.  I was selfish.  I wasn’t fair.  I hope I’m wrong.

I’m sorry.


Wow – it’s been a year. It’s been 12 years. It just doesn’t seem like that long.

I’m sitting here looking at pictures – starring at them – just looking at them. I look into her eyes and it seems like I should be able to talk to her. It just doesn’t seem real. She is gone. Forever. For-ever.

Wow – that just doesn’t seem possible. I just don’t know what to do with that possibility. That reality.

Now is not the time.

Oh my god. my god.

I don’t know what to say.

Is it a celebration or a wake?

I feel closer to you than every before. Not further apart. Closer. Close.

So is it odd that you are hotter than ever before now? Is it because you are single?

Or is it because you are just hot? I can see you blushing now. Don’t blush. Accept it.

I say that, but know you will say the same directed to me and I just don’t get it.

I don’t have hoards of ex-coworkers breaking down my door.

I guess it doesn’t matter. I need to accept it and worship it.

We are hot in each others eyes and that is good. Very good. Very, very good.

Oh so good 🙂

I like your hips. Your breasts. Your smile. Your hair. Your smell. Yes, your smell.

Deal with it.

30% if it matters. Maybe 50%. Just thinking about it. You. You.

Ok. Enough. I need to return to reality but you need to know – I’m jealous. But I’m not.

It will not be easy. It will not be painless. It will not be without drama. But it must happen. I know this now.

So, I wait. I wait for now. I want now. I resolve to make it happen. This is not a promise. It is a desire.

Oh desire. What a whore you are – desire. Ha – whore. So much to say – so little time.

Sleep well. Live well. Be well.

I desire.

I desire you.

Desire. Desire more.

I can’t have you.

You are unattainable.

Yes, unattainable.

Not for lack of want.

Not for lack of trying.

Well, I lack trying. I don’t try. I can’t try. I want to try. I can’t try.

Ha – lack of trying. Don’t even know where to start with that one.

So, know this. I want to try. I even try at times. I do at times. I can not follow through.

I want follow through. You know that. But I can’t.

So I say, it is a matter of time. I want to believe that. I desire that to be true.

I can not tell you that is true. I wish the path was clear. Here is why.

I’m a pussy. I can’t pull the band aide off. You need to know that.

I’m working on it – courage.

The courage to do something. I want to believe it is the right thing, but I can’t say it is right.

I don’t know what right is anymore. I don’t know what love is any more.

But I know desire.

I desire you.

I want it to be right. I want it to be easy. I want it to be complete.

I’m a pussy. I’m sorry for that.

I hope you can forgive me. But there is one other thing I want you to know.

I don’t want you to wait – just for me. I want you to be happy. I dread the thought of you with someone else, but I dread the thought of you being unhappy or alone even more. You deserve more.

I’m not asking you to wait and I’m demanding you don’t.

But I need to do what I need to do – on my time scale. I thought I would be different now, but it is not. Things have changed. I don’t know how or what, but they are different.

Some things have changed. Some haven’t.

I desire change. I desire stability. I desire. You.

Have I mentioned I hate change. I desire change, but hate change.

Funny – I never thought I’d be here. Speaking to a mythical you. A fantasy. A dream.

Desire – the dream of it being reality.
Desire – “the feeling that accompanies an unsatisfied state”.
Desire – all that it can be for now.

Be well. Know that love and happiness is all you deserve. Know that you will have it (again) someday. I wish I knew when.

Desire – “an inclination to want things”

Not things. You.

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