CyberRailGuru

Hi, Hello. It’s been a while since I’ve sat down and written something.

I’ve been watching The West Wing on Amazon and I’ve realized two really important things:

1 – My father never said “I’m proud of you.”

2 – I don’t say “I’m proud of you” enough.

Why is that important?  Well, it is a sign of encouragement. I’m really hoping that no one in my life needs to hear “I’m proud of you” to remain important, but I do realize it is a nice thing to hear and something that folks close to me should hear from me more often.

Why am I bothering to right this?  Well – because of #1.  I don’t recall a single moment in history where my father (or my mother) told me they were proud of me.  I’m pretty sure they were – but they never said it.

So what?

We’ll it’s a matter of pragmatism.

If they never said it, then it might not be true.

This is an example of uni-directional pragmatism.  That is, saying it makes it true, but not saying it does not mean it is true.

I am left wondering – is it true?  I believe it is, but I don’t know.  Since I can’t ask them, I’m left wondering…

An insecure person would probably wonder forever and assume the negative – they were not proud.  But I’m what I call mostly secure.  I’m usually secure, and therefore, I usually don’t need reinforcement and I believe they were proud!

Now, in my family, reinforcement was non-existent.  Not because it wasn’t warranted, or because it wasn’t deserved, but simply because it wasn’t talked about.  To reinforce during a time of need implies you know it is a time of need.  That implies an higher level of understanding and a higher level of awareness – that simply did not exist in my family

That’s OK, because I’m trying to change that.  How?  Well, by saying “I’m proud of you.”

Simple.

My son will know I am proud of him.  No matter what he does in life, I will support him. He will know – right or wrong – if I think he needs to do better.  He will also know – right or wrong – whatever he does, I will be there for him.

He’s a good kid, and being there for him is easy.  I suppose he could take a wrong turn and make supporting him difficult, but I am committed to supporting him – so I will.

Only time will tell what type of person he grows into, but I am confident he will be someone I will rally around and support at all costs.

So here we are – today.  Wondering.  Proud?  Not so proud?  I think Proud.  No reason not to be.  On nearly all fronts.

Life could certainly be less complicated, and in return, less enjoyable.  I have chosen to enjoy life a little more, step out from my comfortable zone a lot, and push forward to the future.

I hope my son learns to be proud of his father, of his children (should he have some), and ensure at all times the people that surround him know they loves him, trust him, treasures him.

I do.

If nothing else in this life, I hope I can accomplish that goal.  And many more.

Peace out my friends.

Swim fishy, swim…

Today is the last day of the Code for America Summit.  I am simply inspired.

I attend a lot of conferences, seminars, and work events.  This one is different.  Very different.

For two days I immersed myself with people who are committed to using technology to change the way government interacts with citizens.  Honestly, 28 years of working with and for the government, that is a novel concept.

The Department of Defense does not think that way – we are not educated, trained, or encouraged to work *for* citizens.  We are encouraged to work for the warfighter, or the mission.  Indirectly this support our citizens, but very indirectly.

What I saw over the last few days is a group of people who have banded together to literally make government better.  A lot better.  As best as it can be.

And it was inspiring.

I am not the inspired type.  I don’t have epiphanies, I don’t have life changing movements, and I don’t get emotional about these things (I’ve written about that before).  I am most certainly committed to my job and passionate about making things better, but that is not the same as emotional.  At least not in my eyes.

I had the opportunity to meet, talk with, engage with people who have no idea what the beltway is.  What defense contractors care about.  What the politicians of DC push.  People who have their own challenges for sure, but who are committed to solving the hard problems of the world to make a better society.

My inspiration is really the open-ended question of how can I apply this level of commitment to the greater good to the Department?  How can I make a difference?  How can I Cultivate the Karrass?

With any luck I will return to the conference next year and I will have applied some of what I learned to make a positive and lasting difference.

Perhaps luck doesn’t have anything to do with it, but I am sure it will be no small feat.  Perhaps I’ll do it in my current agency, or a different one, but I am committed to doing.

For the first time – perhaps ever – I have a near and long term career goal and it makes me happy about being a government employee (I don’t like the term “civil servant” for obvious reasons).  Over the coming weeks I need to plan how I can engage smartly, drive change, and demonstrate usefulness.

Over the coming months I need to read this again, and remind myself how a small band of committed individuals can change the world.

So.  Wow.  It’s been a long time.

It’s been a long, stressful couple of months/years.

Sitting here thinking about all that has been and all that could be.  Interesting.

Nothing more.  Interesting.

So – where have we been?  Well, ranging from way far to the good and fairly far to the bad.  I don’t think I’ve ever been really far to the bad, but for me, I’ve been pretty far.  The last few years haven’t really been that bad.  But I will say they have been – unpredictable.

For me that is bad.  It’s not horrible.  But it’s not great either.

So, I sit here and ponder the future.  Recently I connected with an old “friend”.  Someone who I respect and admire.  Or I respected and admired.  There are fewer and fewer reasons to respect or admire him. He has not been a good friend over the last few years.

I like to think I’m predictable.  I like predictable.  He is never predictable.  He never has been.  But the other night, after many, many, many months of not hearing from him, we connect.  Not one-on-one of course. That would require a lot of energy.  But a group setting.  Many minutes/hours go by before we actually talk face-to-face.

I guess at this point I’m sort of immune to the dynamic.  But the nuance is not missed on me.  Friend of 12+ years.  Meet each other at happy hour after not seeing each other for 6+ months.  And 2+ hours laters he acknowledges I’m there.  Nice.

Ok, so it’s not about me.  Yeah.  It turns out, like always, it’s about him.  Yeah, him.  Always him.

Fast forward.  We’re leaving.  I let me him know that over the last 2+ year he has been “flighty”, “recluse” and “unreliable”.  My wagon isn’t tied to his carriage so I’m not apologetic….he apologies.  Then we talk about what’s “next”. “Let’s get together” he says.  Sure – “how about next weekend?”; “I’m busy”…..”maybe you and <insert ex’s name here> can come see me?”.

……

“Well, we would except I’m not married anymore.”…….long, awkward, pause…..”I didn’t know.”……Yeah, no.  You didn’t.  That would require some level of communication and “friendship”.  Long explanation later – with many excuses why he should of known…we part ways.

On the way home in the car the phone rings – “Hi”….”I’m sorry, I would of been a better friend if I had known”….”Well, if you were a good friend, my situation should not change how ‘good’ of a friend you would have be”…”But it’s water under the bridge – we need to move on”….”I’m glad you see it that way – let’s get together soon”…..

So, my dear, this is why I cherish you.

You stand by me.  When I stop and look around, I see you.  No one else.  I see you.

I called you afterwards and could not remember why.  That is why.  I see you.

I have some friends.  You have many.  I cherish my friends because they are few and far between. I don’t try hard to keep in touch, so the friends I still have are “all in”.  They know me and I know them.  I doubt we have ever spoken about it, but they know.  It’s just how I roll.  I’m committed to them without any need to interact with them or be with them or hear from them. If they need something, I’ll be there.  If I need something, I expect them to be there.

This is where you and I are different.  You want, need, and like interaction.  I don’t.  In fact, I don’t like it.  If for some god forsaken reason I need it, it will be a thing.  A real thing.  I’m not sure it has actually happened, but it may have.  Once or twice.

So listen to me when I say – I….called…..You.  That’s a thing.  A real thing.

So, I called you to say – thank you for being there.  Through thick and thin.  I will admit we – you and I – created a lot of the thick and thin, but you have been there.  In fact, you have been there when I didn’t know I needed someone.  You have been there when I wanted someone and when I didn’t want someone.  You annoy me and I love you because of it.

I will never be able to adequately express to you how much “being there” means to me.  So believe me when I say – it’s a thing.  A real thing.  143…

I’ve been having this reoccurring dream.  All the details are different but the emotions are the same.

I’m there.  With my mom.  She is alive.

Then she is dead.

I cry.  A lot.

Not the little blathering along because you stubbed your toe.

But real, cry.  Outright, full on mental breakdown cry.

Shivering. Convulsing. Stomach wrenching crying.

I’ve had this dream more than once.  More than twice.

I do miss her and I wonder what message she is sending me.

I regret not seeing her that one last time.

But what difference would it of made?  She would still be dead and I would still be alive.  For now.

Maybe I would of gotten a little closure.  A little more closure anyway.

I think of all the conversations we never had.  All the memories that died with her.  All the experiences that will never be conveyed.

I think in some small way that has changed me. I hope that in some way that has changed me.

It is fall and the season of missing people is upon us.

I miss her. More than I think I should. Less than perhaps I should.

I hope some day we can meet again and we can talk about this.  For real.

You never really have the relationship with your parents that you do with other people.

That is unfortunate.  Truly.

Every time I dream that dream I wake with the same feeling – like I could of done more.

Yet I always wonder “do more” about “what”.

It’s been a crazy year or two. I feel like I’m better but I always wonder what she would think. If she would provide guidance or only that funny stern look that only a disapproving parent can give.  I wonder.

I wonder.

I hope some day everyone will know how things have changed and how thing have stayed the same.

How all the difference and the same has changed everything. How good it is. And bad it could be.

But for now we wait.  We wait for the truth and the light.  The light that I know doubt exists.

I wait.  Wait for you. Wait to see her again.  Wait to see them again.

I miss them both.  But most of all I miss that you won’t and will not know them.  That he won’t know them.  That I miss most of all.

Tonight was one of the longest and shortest nights ever.

It was emotionally draining.

It offered no closure.

No new beginnings.

No end.

It only offered pain, anger, fear, doubt, and loathing.

I don’t feel guilty.  I don’t have anger.  I don’t have joy.  I don’t have happiness.

What I have is sadness.  Profound and lasting sadness.

I learned tonight that I rely on others to maintain connections to the people I care about.  This is true.

I learned tonight I have no friends to share my profound sadness with.

I have no place to go.  I have many places to hide, but no places to seek refuge.  No quite solace.  No safe harbor.

What I have is a lover and a friend.  A deeply caring person who is my only confidant.

Because we are lovers I question our friendship.  There is no doubt we are friends.  We are mutually supportive and sometimes brutally honest.

But we are sometimes not honest.  Or friendly.

We cover up the inconvenient true to remain lovers without spat.

I am not truly alone in this world, but I am one person away from being alone.  Singular. And that is a pretty lonely place to be.

I know there is no easy way to end things, but I now know I could of done a better job.

I needed to communicate more and be more honest and open.  But my friendship and my relationship with my lover kept me from doing that.

For that I have regret.  I don’t know the regret is surmountable, but it will fade.  It always does.

I know there are 100 things I could of tried that I didn’t.  Because I have a friend and a lover.

For that I have regret. I don’t know if that regret will fade.  But it always does.

Would I do it differently?  Yes.

Would it end differently? Perhaps.

It is not over.  Not yet.  But my sadness about my own situation sheds light on that for which little light has been shed.

My sadness is about separation from my son; about being alone; about hurting someone who cares for me.

Not for leaving; Sadness for not caring that I’m leaving.

That is the profound sadness I feel.  I am internally and inextricably saddened that my sadness is not for the end of marriage, but for lack of sadness because the marriage has ended.

It has not ended, but the end is near.  It is as near and as far as I want it to be.

As I’m riding home, alone, after dropping her off at a friends house the following song start playing and I pause.  Deep long breaths.

You are the one for me I don’t think you know it yet
You are the one for me though we’ve never even met
I can tell by the way you looked at me the other night
Something tells me I’m the only

It has always been one of my most favorite songs of all time.  The words have always resonated with me.

And now I wonder what the universe is trying to tell me.

Who is my one and only?  Damn you universe, who?

Fuck you God and creator of all mankind, what the fuck are you trying to say?

And am at this moment at a complete and total loss for any reasonable thought.

The feeling of profound and utter sadness lasted for exactly 15 minutes.  Then I returned to the ultimate question: is this the right thing to do?

Should I let the feeling of sadness let me make a decision to carry on status quo?  Should I let the sadness force me to try harder and every way possible until I have no ability to try any longer.

I believe the only way to try any harder is to tell my one and only friend, my lover, that our relationship is over.  Completely and utterly over.  No question.

No emails, no text messages, no phones. No contact.  No relationship. No anything.

Part of me believes doing that is the only way to know for sure.

Part of me believes doing that will only lead to complete isolation.

I need perspective and objectivity.  Honesty and truth. I need an unbiased viewpoint from which no side would benefit.

I don’t know where to find that.  And if I were to find it I don’t know what I would do with the answers to my question.

What I know is emotions and desire have continue to influence my life and existence for far too long.

What I think I know is anything that lasts this long must surely be for “real”.  That it will last.

Perhaps.  Nothing is certain.  Ever.

I what I, and only I, need to decide is am I willy to venture into the vast unknown and take a chance, even if that chance may not pan out?

I am inherently a risk adverser person, this much we know.

I don’t know that I can take the leap.  I really don’t know.

I really thought I was prepared, but as the stare over the ledge all I can think is “what if”.

Please, God, creator of all mankind, tell me the answers to “what if”.

I don’t know what to say other than “Something tells me I’m the only” one that can answer those questions…

My Father has been dead for over 12 years.  My mother for about 2 years.

I would say I have had a dream about my mother at least once a month since she died.

The dreams always end in the same way – me crying uncontrollably.  Some times because I miss her, sometimes because she’s gone.   Always because I’ll never see her again.  Always.

Does this mean I have not made my piece with her? That I regret not seeing her one last time before she died?

I don’t know.  But I do know I’ve had about 2 or 3 dreams about my father each year since his death and they never end in tears or emotional distress.

I don’t know what it means, but I’m sure it means something.

I have no point of this post other than I wanted to get it off my chest.  It’s been bothering me for a while, as a pattern as emerged.  A pattern of sorts.  I see her more often than not.  She never answers my questions, or brings resolution to my open torment, but I always feel as if she is there.  For real.  Close.  But not close enough.

Every couple weeks I walk around wanting to talk to her.  That internal clock strikes and I want to call.  No calls.  No talks.  Just silence.

I do miss her.  I don’t really know why.  We weren’t really that close, but I feel I’m missing something that grounds me.  Maybe it’s the holidays creeping up on me or something, but I’m drawn to wonder why. Why she keeps landing in my dreams.  Turning fantasy into reality.  Turning night into day. I’m wondering.

I don’t know.  But I wonder.

As my life changes and different things become a priority, I’m left wondering if she would have insight.  I would never talk to her about it – she couldn’t keep a secret, but I wonder.

I wonder.

I love you Mom.  And Dad.  I miss you both. A lot. I’m too young to be this old.  I’m too young to be completely alone.  Without support.  Without parents.  I’m not the only one, but some times it feels like it.

I’m not alone.  But I am.  Isolated.

Some day things will change and perhaps I’ll be less alone.  But you will still be gone.  Dead.

And that I can not change.  Ever.

I miss you.

It’s been a while.  I guess I only write these when I have some thing to say; which is usually some point in my life where I’m experiencing some sort of emotional difficulty or exuberance.

This is neither.  I’m feeling like I need to write, but I am at neither a high or a low.  I’m at the middle.  The safe middle.

Honestly, I’m tired of being in the middle.  I know what it’s like to be at a high.  I’ve recently reacquainted myself with the highs of life.

That lead to the lows; and the highs; and the lows.

Now I’m in the middle again.

The highs have faded and the lows are just around the corner.  Closer with every passing day.  I quickly go from middle to low, with little relief from the highs.

I remember fondly what it was like not caring about anything but the highs.  A very special high.   A way of being high without any action on my part.  Just a friendly smile, a touch, a “hi”.

Now I care.  I wonder if the high will lead to guilt, or worse – nothing. I wonder if all the wishing will be for not.

I wonder.

I’m tired of wondering.  I’m tired of wishing.

I want to make it happen.  One way or another.  I want to know.  I want to act.

So I have started the ball rolling; I don’t know where it will lead, but I know it’s heading somewhere.

The ball doesn’t move fast enough for some, and just the fact the ball is rolling is a departure from status quo for some.

Oddly, I’m neither happy or sad about this.  I’m “OK”.  I want something to change so I can know if the “something” is good or bad.

I need to know.  I need to know if now is OK, or if now is over.  I need to know if everything I wish is OK, or just a wish.

I’m betting I’ll never know for sure.  But what I will know is something has changed, and I will adapt to change.

We all know I love change.  I love to watch it, I love to admire it, I love the thought of it.  But it is never for for me.

Until now.

It’s not quite tomorrow, but today already feels like yesterday. One of those days that was so great, so fulfilling… that in a week, a month, I will wonder why it feels like yesterday.  But for tonight, it was today, and tomorrow it will be yesterday.

It hurts, you know.  That today can’t be everyday.  Because it was a GOOD DAY.  Today is what every Saturday should be.

I cried on my way home… not because I left sad, but because a song came on the radio.  Its timing was impeccable.

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the lie.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday it was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over, yeah.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

I’m going to go ahead and say it… I hope someone like you is you. I hope that today is everyday.

Someday. Maybe.

On the eve of the 10th anniversary of 9/11 I’m sitting here wondering if we are any safer? I’ve spent 9 of the last 10 years working for the mechanism that is supposed to make us safe. Provide the peace of mind that we, as Americans, are safe from tyranny, terror, and senseless harm.

I’m not usually bothered by such things, and I generally don’t concern myself with it, but this year seems to be different. Perhaps because I’m working in one of the buildings affected by the terrorist attack. Perhaps because it has been 10 years and although I have watched all forms of patriotism, unity of action, and heroic behaviors, I still see senseless infighting, childish behavior, and empire building.

The current situation of politics is a great example of how far we have come and how far from unification we can be. Our leaders are idiots. The Republicans are pointing at the White House, blaming the President for the current financial woes. Funny, huh? It was the republican president that started 2 wars, ramped up the deficit, and fucked America in the process. Perhaps Congress needs a mirror, or perhaps a history lesson reminding them they voted for every budget increase in the last 10 years. Yeah, that’s right you fucker Boehner. You mother fucker.

And we have the Democrats. Pathetic. They roll over at every turn and continue to compromise our future because they are dickless and have no will to do what is right. They let the Tea Party fuck America, my future, and my son’s future. A small fringe group of sociopaths that have their heads stuck so far up their asses they can’t begin to understand what America really needs.

As Congress and President fight with each other, good people continue to die. Not just Americans, but people of all nationalities, races, and background.

I watched and listened to the Secretary of Defense yesterday. His words tried to express the pain and fear we felt 10 years ago. His words tried to inspire us for what lays ahead of us. Mr. Panetta was proud to be part of the recent killing of bad guy #1, but reminded us there are still people out there who want to kill us. Do us harm.

And yet we have our moronic leaders showing a lack of leadership. Senseless fighting. Politics at its worst.

We spend billions of dollars a year to keep America and our allies safe. We compromise our integrity. We do the unthinkable. We sink to their level. There are ugly people in the world that do ugly things and we have to defend against them. And so we do.

Is what we do worth it? I like to think so. Is it a slippery slope? Yes.

Are we safer? Yes. Is it worth the cost? Well, I guess that is a matter of opinion.

Weekends are the worst. Nothing but time.

Time I would rather spend with someone else.

Time I could fill with things. Good things. Meaningful things.

Yes, the weekend provides Family time, but it doesn’t feel right.

I’m pining away for something else. Someone else.

Weekends. No work, but it’s all work.