I’ve been having this reoccurring dream.  All the details are different but the emotions are the same.

I’m there.  With my mom.  She is alive.

Then she is dead.

I cry.  A lot.

Not the little blathering along because you stubbed your toe.

But real, cry.  Outright, full on mental breakdown cry.

Shivering. Convulsing. Stomach wrenching crying.

I’ve had this dream more than once.  More than twice.

I do miss her and I wonder what message she is sending me.

I regret not seeing her that one last time.

But what difference would it of made?  She would still be dead and I would still be alive.  For now.

Maybe I would of gotten a little closure.  A little more closure anyway.

I think of all the conversations we never had.  All the memories that died with her.  All the experiences that will never be conveyed.

I think in some small way that has changed me. I hope that in some way that has changed me.

It is fall and the season of missing people is upon us.

I miss her. More than I think I should. Less than perhaps I should.

I hope some day we can meet again and we can talk about this.  For real.

You never really have the relationship with your parents that you do with other people.

That is unfortunate.  Truly.

Every time I dream that dream I wake with the same feeling – like I could of done more.

Yet I always wonder “do more” about “what”.

It’s been a crazy year or two. I feel like I’m better but I always wonder what she would think. If she would provide guidance or only that funny stern look that only a disapproving parent can give.  I wonder.

I wonder.

I hope some day everyone will know how things have changed and how thing have stayed the same.

How all the difference and the same has changed everything. How good it is. And bad it could be.

But for now we wait.  We wait for the truth and the light.  The light that I know doubt exists.

I wait.  Wait for you. Wait to see her again.  Wait to see them again.

I miss them both.  But most of all I miss that you won’t and will not know them.  That he won’t know them.  That I miss most of all.