Tonight was one of the longest and shortest nights ever.

It was emotionally draining.

It offered no closure.

No new beginnings.

No end.

It only offered pain, anger, fear, doubt, and loathing.

I don’t feel guilty.  I don’t have anger.  I don’t have joy.  I don’t have happiness.

What I have is sadness.  Profound and lasting sadness.

I learned tonight that I rely on others to maintain connections to the people I care about.  This is true.

I learned tonight I have no friends to share my profound sadness with.

I have no place to go.  I have many places to hide, but no places to seek refuge.  No quite solace.  No safe harbor.

What I have is a lover and a friend.  A deeply caring person who is my only confidant.

Because we are lovers I question our friendship.  There is no doubt we are friends.  We are mutually supportive and sometimes brutally honest.

But we are sometimes not honest.  Or friendly.

We cover up the inconvenient true to remain lovers without spat.

I am not truly alone in this world, but I am one person away from being alone.  Singular. And that is a pretty lonely place to be.

I know there is no easy way to end things, but I now know I could of done a better job.

I needed to communicate more and be more honest and open.  But my friendship and my relationship with my lover kept me from doing that.

For that I have regret.  I don’t know the regret is surmountable, but it will fade.  It always does.

I know there are 100 things I could of tried that I didn’t.  Because I have a friend and a lover.

For that I have regret. I don’t know if that regret will fade.  But it always does.

Would I do it differently?  Yes.

Would it end differently? Perhaps.

It is not over.  Not yet.  But my sadness about my own situation sheds light on that for which little light has been shed.

My sadness is about separation from my son; about being alone; about hurting someone who cares for me.

Not for leaving; Sadness for not caring that I’m leaving.

That is the profound sadness I feel.  I am internally and inextricably saddened that my sadness is not for the end of marriage, but for lack of sadness because the marriage has ended.

It has not ended, but the end is near.  It is as near and as far as I want it to be.

As I’m riding home, alone, after dropping her off at a friends house the following song start playing and I pause.  Deep long breaths.

You are the one for me I don’t think you know it yet
You are the one for me though we’ve never even met
I can tell by the way you looked at me the other night
Something tells me I’m the only

It has always been one of my most favorite songs of all time.  The words have always resonated with me.

And now I wonder what the universe is trying to tell me.

Who is my one and only?  Damn you universe, who?

Fuck you God and creator of all mankind, what the fuck are you trying to say?

And am at this moment at a complete and total loss for any reasonable thought.

The feeling of profound and utter sadness lasted for exactly 15 minutes.  Then I returned to the ultimate question: is this the right thing to do?

Should I let the feeling of sadness let me make a decision to carry on status quo?  Should I let the sadness force me to try harder and every way possible until I have no ability to try any longer.

I believe the only way to try any harder is to tell my one and only friend, my lover, that our relationship is over.  Completely and utterly over.  No question.

No emails, no text messages, no phones. No contact.  No relationship. No anything.

Part of me believes doing that is the only way to know for sure.

Part of me believes doing that will only lead to complete isolation.

I need perspective and objectivity.  Honesty and truth. I need an unbiased viewpoint from which no side would benefit.

I don’t know where to find that.  And if I were to find it I don’t know what I would do with the answers to my question.

What I know is emotions and desire have continue to influence my life and existence for far too long.

What I think I know is anything that lasts this long must surely be for “real”.  That it will last.

Perhaps.  Nothing is certain.  Ever.

I what I, and only I, need to decide is am I willy to venture into the vast unknown and take a chance, even if that chance may not pan out?

I am inherently a risk adverser person, this much we know.

I don’t know that I can take the leap.  I really don’t know.

I really thought I was prepared, but as the stare over the ledge all I can think is “what if”.

Please, God, creator of all mankind, tell me the answers to “what if”.

I don’t know what to say other than “Something tells me I’m the only” one that can answer those questions…