My Father has been dead for over 12 years.  My mother for about 2 years.

I would say I have had a dream about my mother at least once a month since she died.

The dreams always end in the same way – me crying uncontrollably.  Some times because I miss her, sometimes because she’s gone.   Always because I’ll never see her again.  Always.

Does this mean I have not made my piece with her? That I regret not seeing her one last time before she died?

I don’t know.  But I do know I’ve had about 2 or 3 dreams about my father each year since his death and they never end in tears or emotional distress.

I don’t know what it means, but I’m sure it means something.

I have no point of this post other than I wanted to get it off my chest.  It’s been bothering me for a while, as a pattern as emerged.  A pattern of sorts.  I see her more often than not.  She never answers my questions, or brings resolution to my open torment, but I always feel as if she is there.  For real.  Close.  But not close enough.

Every couple weeks I walk around wanting to talk to her.  That internal clock strikes and I want to call.  No calls.  No talks.  Just silence.

I do miss her.  I don’t really know why.  We weren’t really that close, but I feel I’m missing something that grounds me.  Maybe it’s the holidays creeping up on me or something, but I’m drawn to wonder why. Why she keeps landing in my dreams.  Turning fantasy into reality.  Turning night into day. I’m wondering.

I don’t know.  But I wonder.

As my life changes and different things become a priority, I’m left wondering if she would have insight.  I would never talk to her about it – she couldn’t keep a secret, but I wonder.

I wonder.

I love you Mom.  And Dad.  I miss you both. A lot. I’m too young to be this old.  I’m too young to be completely alone.  Without support.  Without parents.  I’m not the only one, but some times it feels like it.

I’m not alone.  But I am.  Isolated.

Some day things will change and perhaps I’ll be less alone.  But you will still be gone.  Dead.

And that I can not change.  Ever.

I miss you.