It’s been a while.  I guess I only write these when I have some thing to say; which is usually some point in my life where I’m experiencing some sort of emotional difficulty or exuberance.

This is neither.  I’m feeling like I need to write, but I am at neither a high or a low.  I’m at the middle.  The safe middle.

Honestly, I’m tired of being in the middle.  I know what it’s like to be at a high.  I’ve recently reacquainted myself with the highs of life.

That lead to the lows; and the highs; and the lows.

Now I’m in the middle again.

The highs have faded and the lows are just around the corner.  Closer with every passing day.  I quickly go from middle to low, with little relief from the highs.

I remember fondly what it was like not caring about anything but the highs.  A very special high.   A way of being high without any action on my part.  Just a friendly smile, a touch, a “hi”.

Now I care.  I wonder if the high will lead to guilt, or worse – nothing. I wonder if all the wishing will be for not.

I wonder.

I’m tired of wondering.  I’m tired of wishing.

I want to make it happen.  One way or another.  I want to know.  I want to act.

So I have started the ball rolling; I don’t know where it will lead, but I know it’s heading somewhere.

The ball doesn’t move fast enough for some, and just the fact the ball is rolling is a departure from status quo for some.

Oddly, I’m neither happy or sad about this.  I’m “OK”.  I want something to change so I can know if the “something” is good or bad.

I need to know.  I need to know if now is OK, or if now is over.  I need to know if everything I wish is OK, or just a wish.

I’m betting I’ll never know for sure.  But what I will know is something has changed, and I will adapt to change.

We all know I love change.  I love to watch it, I love to admire it, I love the thought of it.  But it is never for for me.

Until now.