Sun 20 Nov 2011
It’s been a while. I guess I only write these when I have some thing to say; which is usually some point in my life where I’m experiencing some sort of emotional difficulty or exuberance.
This is neither. I’m feeling like I need to write, but I am at neither a high or a low. I’m at the middle. The safe middle.
Honestly, I’m tired of being in the middle. I know what it’s like to be at a high. I’ve recently reacquainted myself with the highs of life.
That lead to the lows; and the highs; and the lows.
Now I’m in the middle again.
The highs have faded and the lows are just around the corner. Closer with every passing day. I quickly go from middle to low, with little relief from the highs.
I remember fondly what it was like not caring about anything but the highs. A very special high. A way of being high without any action on my part. Just a friendly smile, a touch, a “hi”.
Now I care. I wonder if the high will lead to guilt, or worse – nothing. I wonder if all the wishing will be for not.
I wonder.
I’m tired of wondering. I’m tired of wishing.
I want to make it happen. One way or another. I want to know. I want to act.
So I have started the ball rolling; I don’t know where it will lead, but I know it’s heading somewhere.
The ball doesn’t move fast enough for some, and just the fact the ball is rolling is a departure from status quo for some.
Oddly, I’m neither happy or sad about this. I’m “OK”. I want something to change so I can know if the “something” is good or bad.
I need to know. I need to know if now is OK, or if now is over. I need to know if everything I wish is OK, or just a wish.
I’m betting I’ll never know for sure. But what I will know is something has changed, and I will adapt to change.
We all know I love change. I love to watch it, I love to admire it, I love the thought of it. But it is never for for me.
Until now.