Or from Fairfax. Which ever makes more sense.

At Midnight the cap goes on. Moratorium. The great silence.

I’m not ready for it. I don’t want it. But it is necessary.

We will see each other when we do. We will speak when we must, not when we want.

We will have our inner thoughts to ourselves. And that must be our solace.

That is OK. That also sucks.

So, I have a list in my head. A list of things that must get better and must be great to move on.

I’m hoping the list of the ways you do it better won’t cloud my judgment.

I made dinner this evening. The entire time all I could think how I want to make dinner for you. How I want to meet your parents. How “J” can be used for Jack or Julian. Coincidence? I think not.

You are MMM, she is SSS. Do not fear. M comes before S 😉

Many times I write to write. I write with you in mind, but not to you per se.

This one is to you. The last one to you.

I am the CTO. I will be the CTO. I know this because you told me so. I will miss that the most.

The positive reinforcement of all that I do. The point counter-point discussions. The reason. The rational. The rationale.

Overall I will miss you. But I’m hear to say something; remind you of something.

You are strong. You are beautiful. You are sexy. You are hot. You are intelligent. You are smart.

Take a deep breath before sending every email. Think, what if I were to receive that email? What would I do or feel? Then delete that email. Start over.

I will do the same.

I’m sitting here listening to Neil Diamond’s Greatest Hits. Yes, that’s right, I strapped on my vagina tonight.

Why? It’s my Mom’s favorite singer, and I miss her. I wish my Mom and my Dad could be here for encouragement. Lacking that I will fill the void the best I can. With thoughts of you. The many thoughts of you.

We both need to be alone for a while – I really want to believe that. I really want to believe that if we are ever together it’s for the right reasons. Because we can and should, not because we want it.

We must want it. We must always want it. I don’t want to be 20 more years down the road and not want it. If I could bottle everything I felt a year ago and take a nip from it every day I would. I was intoxicating. Was.

So it’s like a sprint versus a marathon. I dashed into the fire and now I need to jog through the heat. I will – I don’t know where I will exit, but I know where I want to right now. I’m going to keep my head up and look straight. I will press on and I pray the planets align.

Align the way I want them to.

You must know all this – my behavior – my capitulating – my spinelessness – is to make sure. I no longer know what “sure” means but I must follow my own path.

Our paths are different, that much we know.

Our timelines are different – that much we know, but do not accept. We need to accept it.

You need to accept it.

I’ll pull to the left if you pull to the right.

I make no promises other than I will tell you the truth always.

And I must say it once and for all. I love you. I do.

I just need to know that is enough.

I miss you. Now and always.

See you on the other side.