I woke up this morning, tired and grumpy.  It’s how I’ve felt since Monday, to be honest.  But all week, I’ve had distractions, both professionally and emotionally.  I woke up this morning without either, still tired and grumpy.  By mid-day, I felt paralyzed.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to shout, and kick and did I mention cry?

I felt paralyzed so that I could feel nothing and get through the day. I’ve felt paralyzed for the last few weeks so that I felt nothing. I don’t want to admit how much pain I’m in right now.

Tom Petty had it right, you know… waiting is the hardest part.

I’m tired and grumpy. I suppose that’s good though – that I have emotions that I can feel. But in reality… I’m just scared. I’m scared of losing the many things that I care about. I’m scared that I will happy if I do. I’m scared about how I will react when I no longer have to wait. I’m scared that one decision will influence the decisions of another.  I’m scared about how much longer I will have to wait.

I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of being forgetful.  I’m tired of hoping for a catastrophe or breakdown.  I’m tired of not being straight forward.  I’m tired of just feeling sorry for myself.

You know that feeling when you’ve got a band-aid on, and you know it’s going to hurt when you take it off? So you leave it. But that just makes it worse.  What you need to do is suck it up, take it off, air dry, and let the wound just heal?

I know that the anticipation of taking that band-aid off it worse than just taking the damn thing off.

Unfortunately, I’ve got a few band-aids that I’m wearing right now. I can’t do anything about one of them.  I should do something about another, but I don’t want to.  I have no idea where the other one is hiding to rip it off.

F***.  I’m back to feeling paralyzed.