So when I’m out with family and think about being with someone else I feel guilty.

Yesterday I did not. I wanted to be with someone else, seeing the same things, doing the same things, but with someone else.

I felt no guilt.

I don’t know if I’m growing closer or further apart or both. Regardless, something has changed.

I’m sitting here tonight geeking out – reading online articles about trains and model railroading. Then I thought – wouldn’t it be nice if she were here. If she were sharing this. If she were interested in this. Or at least pretended to be interested just to make me happy.

Wouldn’t it be nice.

I felt no guilt.

Things are changing.

Right now I feel comfortable. So comfortable that I’m a little uncomfortable.

It should be harder – more drama. More hate. More pain. More “stuff”.

I feel detached. Removed. Alone. Planning in silence. Planning for a future full of unknowns. Planning for the future.

That is indeed something new – planning. I waited. I sat back and watched what came my way.

Now I want to make it happen. Now I want it to start now.

I don’t know what to do. I know it will change. I know I fear the unknown. I known I’m a pussy.

I know that’s what I’m talking about.

If I had a dollar
I’d buy a house where we could live
Caring for each other
Just a place to call our home
And if we just knew wrong from right
We would not hurt we would not fight
Dream sweet dreams all through the night
Until the morning comes

If I had someone to love
I would not push I would not shove
I’d never know what lonely was
Because I’d never be alone
And if I had a hand to hold
I’d hold it tight until I grew old
And listen to your stories told
They keep me hanging on

If I had a magic charm
It would protect you from all harm
There’d be no sirens to alarm
We could stay here every day
And if I were a super hero
Good guys all the villains zero
I’d save you from all that is evil
So you can sleep at night