resentment (n) – a feeling of deep and bitter anger and ill-will

I was accused of resentment today. That I resent that I’m not allowed “to date”.

That is, I’m not allowed to date a particular person.

Having mulled it over, yes. I am holding resentment. I am holding resentment because I can’t be with the one I want to be with.

I resent being married. I resent being “forced” to “work it out”.

So those are the raw emotions. Is it rational?

No.

It is not rational because it is driven by emotion. A terminally strong emotion for the positive is generating a destructive negative emotion. resentment.

So, how do we reconcile the emotions?

I don’t know.

Rational: It’s not fair to not try.
Irrational: It’s not fair to not be happy.

Rational: Trying hard leads to success.
Irrational: I now know what happiness is – I want to be happy now.

Rational: Do the right thing.
Irrational: Do the right thing.

So where am I?

I don’t know.

There are no easy answers but I do know a few things.

I want to own my decisions.

I want to own my actions.

I want to own the truth.

I’m tired of lying.

I’m tired of covering up.

I’m tired of being forced to explain myself.

I’m tired.

I’m simply tired.

Where does that leave me? It is clear.

This will take time. Time will heal the pain. Time will uncover that which is covered.

Time will make this even more tiring.

I am committed to seeking the truth. I am committed to happiness. I am committed to the process.

The process will not be painless, without drama, or without it’s ups and downs.

I’m down right now. I’m ready to throw it all in and concede failure. Live with status quo and say that it is as best as it can get.

But I know that simply isn’t true. It can get better. Much better. It is better. Much better.

Good news. I know me. Tomorrow is a new day and a new outlook. I may be up, I may be in the middle. I may also be down. But I won’t be for long.

So, back to the question. Where does that leave me?

Seeking to turn me into we.