So, I was at a “meeting” today and we were discussing our likes.  The assertion was we should share common interests – if we did, it would build unity in the relationship.  Tenderness.  Intimacy.

It was my assertion that we should be able to share musical interests, among other things.

At the time I was thinking she should like my music.  After the fact it occurred to me that any expectation that she should like my music should be coupled by an equal and opposite expectation that I like her music.

Then I thought – hey, I hate her music.  Well, I don’t hate it, but I really, really, really don’t enjoy it.  It’s boring.

Wow – the same exact words she used to describe my music.  Same. Exact. Words.

Hmmm.

As I was driving to my next meeting, I thought, how self-centered of me to expect her to like my music but no reciprocal offer to “like” her music.  No desire.  No willingness.  No effort.

Oh my god.  Am I a narcissist?

(n) narcissist, narcist (someone in love with themselves)

I don’t generally consider myself in love with myself.  But wait.

(adj) narcissistic, (characteristic of those having an inflated idea of their own importance)

Hmm, well, maybe.  I am arrogant in that way.  Holy fuck.  Fuck, fuck, fuck…..

Later in the same drive I began to hate myself.  This whole time, this whole thing has been about me.  About me getting my way.

Not about core differences; not about fundamental incompatibilities.  It’s all been about me.

It’s been about her not doing or liking what I want her to do or like.

I’m a real dick.

I’m narcissistic.

Then I thought for a moment.  Why should I have to pretend to like something, or put up with something I don’t like?

That is compromise, but it’s not fair.

It is unfair of me to expect her to change.

It is also not fair that I have “insider” knowledge.  I know there is someone out there that I don’t need to compromise with.

It is not fair that I have found someone more “compatible” with my tastes and likings than her.

But why should I muddle through life hating things and not being truly happy when I know true happiness exists?  Or can potentially exist more easily?  Potentially.  Exist.  More easily.

Why shouldn’t I be with someone who shares common interests?  Someone who I can talk with about everything rather than just somethings.

Someone who tells me I’m not a dick, that I am nice, that I have a good heart.

I like Ultimate.  I like skiing.  I like The Clarks.  I like letting loose everyone once and a while.  She doesn’t.

I like the beach.  I like good food.  She likes those things.

Is that enough?

Right now I feel there is more between us; more things we don’t like together, than things we do like together.

I’m not done with this one.  I need to continue to ponder it.  I need to continue to pull that thread.

But one thing is for sure – if “life is not fair” is the best I can come up with, that is simply not good enough.