How do I say what I want to say?

I’m 40 and I’ve officially buried both my parents.  Today caps what has become a long and arduous task.

Arduous is a bit of a stretch for me.  It was personally trying, but I didn’t have a lot invested mentally.  I chose to disengage.

This pattern seems to replicate itself.

I’m in love.  And it is never that simple.

It seems I must deny myself immediate happiness to work through another painful and arduous task.

I can not — must not — divest myself from this task.

I have in the past.  I must not in the future.

You see, I have no clarity.

I heard a song this morning and it struck a cord.

Love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Well maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it’s not a cry that you hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen in the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

What in the hell does that have to do with anything?

Love is not a victory march.  It should not be treated as something you win.  It is something you earn.  It is something that requires work, but is not something that is a prize (per se).

I don’t really know what I mean by that, but it’s something that I wanted to express all day.  I’ve been stuck in a meeting — all day.  All day.

A meeting where everyone — everyone — looked to me for the answers.  Not direction.  Not insight.  Answers.  The solution.  It was trying.

I don’t have the answers.  If I did, I wouldn’t be here.

I’d be celebrating the victory march.

I love you.  You need to know that.  I doubt that will ever change.  Whether we can be together or not, I need to tell you something.

You have showed me happiness is possible.  There is true love.  Deep, emotional love.  The type of love that makes you melt.  The type of love that makes you crave more.  It’s an addiction.  An addiction I don’t think I’ve ever experienced.

I love you.  You must know that.  I am sorry for where we are and where we need to go.  I love you dearly.  I love you deeply.

I don’t say that enough. I don’t say because I don’t want people to know.  It’s a forbidden love.  It sucks.  It’s the truth.

Where does that leave us?  Alone.

We are where we started.  Strong.  Intelligent.  Tender.  Thoughtful.  Insightful.  Inspiring.  Alone.  Mean.  Arrogant.  Impatient.

But we are smarter and more learned.  We know more than we did.  But not enough to know where to go or how to get there.

I’m still 40.  I’m still parent-less.  I’m still in love.

I have no answers.  I want to cry.  I want you.