The last couple weeks have been maddening.  You see, I’m going to a conference.  A friend of mine will be at the conference.  We are close.  Perhaps closer than we should be.

The fact that we will be there together is completely stressing another person out.  Basically, it’s causing daily mental breakdowns, incessant crying, and long talks to reassure.

Oh my fucking god it’s driving me crazy.  Do I really have to make promises?  Do I really have to talk around with “paperwork”?  Do I really have to be second guessed on everything?

I had my cell phone with me last night when I went to bed.  I put it on the dresser, turned the light off, and went to bed.  5 minutes later the door opens and I get asked “why do you go to bed with your phone?  You didn’t do it before.  What are you hiding?”

Oh my fucking god.  Are you kidding me?

I am absolutely tired.  Spent.  Incapable of dealing with it anymore.

I’m trying really hard to be understanding, to provide empathy.  To acknowledge the feelings.  To put them in context.  I really am.  But I have no frame of reference.  I have no understanding of the other side.  It seems I am unable to put myself in the same position to gain perspective from the other side.  I have tried.  I really have.  I just can’t seem to figure it out.

So what are the possible solutions?

1) Separation.  Separate from the friend.  Completely.

2) Separation.  Separate from the person causing the stress. Completely.

I do not believe there are other solutions.  I do not believe there is an in-between.

The problem with #2 is I can never truly separate completely.  We share a common bond that will never go away.  And that is OK.  I believe we can distance ourselves and provide a buffer that will allow the relationship to mature.  To repair.  I believe it is possible.

At this point I do not believe the relationship can be fixed.  This latest round of crazy has exposed me to a side – a personality – that I guess I knew existed, but I have never seen.  I have always thought it was there – I have seen samplings of it, but I have never experienced it.  I don’t like it.  I don’t like it one bit.

It is making me detest.  It is making me extremely unhappy.  It is filling me with the courage to walk away. It is confirming my believe that it is time to separate.  It is telling me that we can not be fixed.  It is telling that it is over.

I do not know that this is true.  But I want to know if it is true.  If someone could just give me a black and white answer – or even an equation with the variables.  Something that computes.  Something that makes sense.

For the love of god – make it stop.  For the love of fucking god just make it STOP.