Recently my brain has been all over the place… I’d give you the cheesy analogy of the sea-saw, but that would actually imply that I have a two sides conflicting thoughts… and that’s not really accurate. The issue is that I am trying to “solve” is one that I cannot articulate. But why is that hard? I believe it’s because there is one thing that I can easily get out of my head, and that is effecting everything else that tries to come out.

So, what is it that I can articulate? Ironically – these are someone else’s words, but holy crap are they accurate:

The real me is a southern girl with her Levis on and an open heart
Wish I could save the world, like I was super girl
The real me used to laugh all night lying in the grass just talking about love
But lately I’ve been jaded life got so complicated
I start thinking about it
I almost forgot what it was like
To know what it feels like
Cause with you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you’ll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I’m with you

And what can’t articulate? Why do I want to leave what I know to be “safe” and “comfortable”?

I have become jaded. I hate it, and the person that it’s made me over these last few years. This is why I want out. I can come up with several superficial reasons – some I can clearly identify, some I haven’t.  And perhaps I have focused on these reasons because it’s easier to point and blame.   It is hard to accept that maybe it is my fault; I allowed myself to transform into something that I don’t like.  And it’s hard to admit that…

People do change overtime; I get that.  But over the last several years, I’ve changed to accommodate behaviours I don’t like. I’ve compromised my beliefs, my values.

There is an important distinction that I have to make… I haven’t compromised myself.  Which is why now that I have this cognitive recognition, I can’t go back – despite not having any idea what the future will hold for me, for us, for them, for anyone.