Today I was given some terrible news.  News I thought I was prepared for.  News I was not prepared for.

Like a close friend suddenly dying, it came as a shock.  It happened quickly.  Much more quickly that I could of imagined.

My first thoughts were of my friend.  My confident.  My lover.  How is it affecting her?  What is she thinking.

Then I selfishly thought of myself.  How will if affect me.  What if I’m collateral damage?  What if….

The information came quickly and I was not able to process it.  All the dreaming; all the thoughts; all the machinations.  None of it added up.

The day had come.  Not enough planning.  Not enough thought.  Not enough time.  Not enough time.

Twice in one week I have felt like I wanted to throw up.  Today was the second time.  I didn’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to help.

Everything was now real.  Everything.

Every action has a reaction.   Every action has consequence.

Our actions have consequences.  Our actions have led to this consequence.

I came home today and my son greeted me with a big hug.  I was still in shock.  I didn’t know what to do.

All I could think is how I will miss this.  Seeing him grow up.  Seeing him love me.

I felt guilty for hurting him.  I have not hurt him.  But I have.  I know this now.

This may sound ridiculous, but I raise my glass to you.  As a show of solidarity.   A show of force.  A show of commitment.

I am committed to this.  I am scared as hell.  I am committed to you.

I am all in.